Just another IPL post

Reciting a verse composed by his father, the biggest connoisseur of Indian Cricket enters the stage amidst loud cheers and applause. Amitabh Bachchan, an eminent reciter and part time actor, has taken the art of narrating someone else’s composition to a whole new level, creating a platform for all aspiring reciters (unemployed and confused e.g. his son). His resounding voice reverberates through the stadium while the organizers look at each other “was he supposed to recite his dad’s poem again?”

Music cues and lights beam, the stage is set on fire with some scintillating performances by Priyanka Chopra, Katy Perry, Kareena Kapoor, and Salman Khan. Most of them follow a similar exercise regime during their aerobic sessions barring Salman Khan. His high quality and somewhat involuntary epileptic seizures can be seen on every screen space which he occupies. And in come the least important people of the evening, the cricketers; ashamed and embarrassed of their existence. They stand in a line like security guards as Priyanka Chopra peppers them with some profound questions demonstrating her cricketing prowess. However, her ‘beginner’s guide to cricket’ fails to sustain the pressure, ergo she decides to head back to a more familiar territory and asks them to dance. They try their level best but can only manage to make a complete hash of it. Everyone laughs and they were ushered out of the stage.

Ravi Shashtri, the eternal announcer cum mike-testing boy takes the podium in the elite company of Srinivasan, owner, Chennai Super King/MD, Chennai Cement/President, BCCI and ubiquitous Rajib Shukla, profile – unknown; it’s the turn of all the captains to stand like security guards now. Evincing an exemplary munificence, they announce their decision to liberally distribute some funds amongst the destitute cricketers of yesteryear’s (give them benefit of doubt because it looks more like a case of poor sentence formation than slanderous remark). Pre-recorded applause plays in the background and the biggest cricket carnival kicks off in style.

Match day – Camera zooms on Sameer Kochhar as he enters the studio dancing with few cheerleaders, and then welcomes all viewers and two guests; Ajay Jadeja and Navjyot Singh Sidhu. Now, for heaven’s sake don’t look up on google for Sameer Kochhar, it will return the following result:

“Your search ‘Sameer Kochhar’ didn’t match any documents, try more general keywords.”

Ajay Jadeja, the epitome of moral and ethics, a legend in his own right, talks about the spirit of the game, fair play, and code of conduct on the cricket field. While he analyzes the strengths of both the teams and how the toss could play a vital role, his inner voice screams out “why cannot they decide the result of the match in advance?”

A frenzied Sidhu intervenes “Pitch is as dead as a dodo. My dear friend, experience is like a comb that life gives you when you are bald. Khatak.” An air of bewilderment descends in the studio.

A standup comedian is called to perform an act. Sidhu interrupts him 5 times during his 2 minutes act, asks him to repeat the punch lines again and again. After sometime those punch lines don’t look like punch lines anymore. He can single handedly destroy anyone’s career. The comedian curses the day when he agreed to perform in front of Sidhu, leaving his livelihood at the clemency of this savage character. Dan Morrison makes a sleazy remark from the field and the faces in the studio glow momentarily.

Match starts. Ravi Shashtri in the commentary box with his read-along commentary. A very useful delivery method, especially for people like me who finds it difficult to read numbers on the screen. From scores to ads, he reads everything that appears on the screen. However, in rare occasions, he goes that extra mile with his match assessments, but more often than not he has to follow up his statement with another one starting with ‘correction,’ ‘I beg your pardon’ et cetera. He runs through the team lineup and other inane details before moving onto more important matters i.e. the features of the car which will be presented to the man of the tournament.

The ball is hit fiercely towards square leg and Ravi Shashtri exclaims “that’s poor fielding; he just let the ball go!” However, he soon realizes that the person standing at square leg was the leg umpire and he shouldn’t ideally be stopping the ball. Batting side looks happy at the end of first innings as they scored 30 runs more than what was expected at the beginning; Sidhu revises his prediction. A quick 60 seconds recap of the first innings is shown, two thirds of which covered cheerleaders’ dance.

Image source - http://www.espncricinfo.com

Second innings starts. One uncapped player drops a catch. Gautam Gambhir yells at him. He never looks so stressed while playing for India. He exhibited similar emotions only when there was an income tax raid in his house. He looks at the ostentatious owner of the team from the corner of his eyes, who is currently talking about his upcoming movie, perspiring profusely sitting 90 yards away from the centre. When asked about the match he says “winning and losing is part of the game but the effort should be there; strategize, plan, and execute. Remember, how my astute coaching helped India win the world cup hockey in Chak De?”
“But that was a movie.”
“Life is a movie my friend.” He retorts. “The boys should give their best.” He talks on more realistic terms now “we need Gayle’s wicket. Played three seasons with us, didn’t score anything and now he is hitting sixes.” He looks at that uncapped player who dropped Gayle’s catch; a resentful smile creeps onto his face.

Match is interestingly poised. The batting side needs another 40 runs from 25 balls. Gayle hits four sixes and the spectators proceed towards the exit gate. While attributing this impending victory to Gayle and his brute power, Gavaskar ponders “just 4 balls! Just 4 balls decided the fate of the match! We hardly had any result after 5 days of drudgery. And what did the board give us? Tambura? Look at the way Kohli is flaunting his watch in the ad. Tomorrow Rohan will come for his pocket money.”

An identical thought crosses the mind of Amitabh Bachchan as he looks at Abhishek and growls “did you get a movie?”
“ummm…..no but Ash said I should try in Hollywood, some secret agent kind of role.”
“Or may be a cab driver.” Amitabh broods.

Host team loses the match. Camera zooms on SRK’s seat, which suddenly looks empty; he has already taken preemptive measures. Jay Mehta appears on the ground for the presentation formalities. While he hands over the man of the match cheque to the opposition player with a fluctuating smile, he looks more like a person who is lending some money to his friend.

Cheerleaders dance in the studio again and experts do a post mortem of the match. After heaps of commercials, Sameer turns towards Sidhu “any final thought on the match?”
“Sarfaroshi ki tamannaa ab hamaare dil mein hai. Dekhnaa hai zor kitnaa baazu-e-qaatil mein hai” Sidhu concludes.

(While writing this post I saw KKR actually won the match but it was too late for me to make any changes.

All the fans of above mentioned celebrities – expletives in the comment form please.)

About Debajyoti Ghosh

You can follow +Debajyoti on Google Plus and on Twitter @devjyotighosh.

Comments

  1. A satire that spares none in its sweep and quickly lifts your spirits beyond the filthy razzmatazz of commerce. The puppets and moppets of Bollywood and Crickiwood, present and past, are paraded naked before us, banal in their intentions. Deb, you have uncovered what lies beneath with a relish.

    • thank u so much Uma. Well, they cannot fool us, we see everything and the rest we can perceive. when they try to act smart, they just make a fool of themselves.

      well as usual, didn’t proofread it properly. hope it’s ok :D

  2. Great post, Deb. Somehow I was waiting for this ever since the season started. While there is some nice technique and gamesmanship, the extent to which cricket has been reduced to a media event, with celebrities, corporate sponsorship, sensationalism and a glamor spectacle is truly depressing. It is a reflection of how empty we have become as a civilization, and your post so accurately captures the various dimensions of it. After a long time, I was not laughing while reading your post.

    • thanks Subh. Well, it’s a circus albeit i do enjoy that :D. when IPL started in 2008, i had a lot of expectations from this tournament. i thought icons of indian cricket will lead each team and they will play against each other, it will be a fun thing. but eventually it turned out to be a dirty game.

      thanx for reading Subh.

  3. Hi Debajyoti! More fun than watching the IPL. Hope you intend to keep this going:) (Btw, I wish I had thought of your Decriptionnnnnnnnn! idea first :):) )

    • hahahaha, i dont feel like writing description. As of now, i don’t have any intention of continuing this coz it would be a copy of fakeiplplayer. however, if i don’t find anything to write then i ll write again :D

      thank u so much for all the encouragement :). now it’s ur turn to write one of those super hilarious posts.

  4. “And in come the least important people of the evening, the cricketers; ashamed and embarrassed for their existence. ” Oh My Godd!! I am laughing out really loud, in the middle of the night! Your sense of humor is much appreciated.

    • i visited ur blog at least 20 times in last 5 days to check whether u have written anything new or not. by the way, ur last post was super cool. the photographs are magical and the narration is equally amazing.

      and thank u so much for reading my post and for this wonderful comment. and cricketers are indeed the least important ppl in IPL :D

  5. a laugh a minute riot!!!
    brilliantly done!!

    • thank u so much, i m glad u liked it. i have been observing this ipl for past few years, so i thought why not. where else ll i get such spicy topic for my post :D?

  6. All of the above was word by word so true! IPL has been crap from day one.
    It just takes worse-worser-worst to a whole new level season by season.
    And for god’s sake is Bollywood the be all and end all of entertainment in our country ?!?!?

    The humongous amount of money that goes into this crap every where can easily upgrade our towns and cities.

    Your satire was JUST! Like and Super like!

    • :D thank u so much. we see this day in, day out, so i just stated the facts. no extra effort from my end :D. it’s actually quite annoying to see bollywood everywhere. but supply comes only when there is a demand.

  7. just too good, I say! I have stopped watching cricket but reading this was so much fun that I actually felt bad that I don’t watch the game anymore :-)

  8. I now know I should have taken this one :((

    Laugh riot. Loved the part about AB Sr. both at the outset and in conversation with AB Jr. SRK was super too. And the cricketers? What cricketers? :D

    • hey thank u. even i was thinking the same :D.

      about AB Sr., SRK and the cricketers, i was dying to write these things somewhere. facebook and twitter have word count limit. so blog about it :D.

      thanx again :)

  9. Part time actor? Mike testing boy? Wow! What a post! Can you please do this post a favour and change the title to a more catchy/funny one. This piece of writing deserves a better heading than ‘just another IPL post.’
    Lemme also tell you that my hubby read this one and really, really liked it. Cheers, Deb.

    • thank u so much Nambiar. i cannot change the title now. but i can do one thing. may be after a month or so, i ll change the title and resubmit this on indivine :D

      thanx again and tell ur hubby that i m really glad that he liked this post :)

  10. I’m glad I don’t have to watch the IPL, all I have to do is visit your blog and get the blow by blow with humor thrown in for good measure. Thanks :D

  11. very well written satire…I think slowly the IPL will loose the significance as other countries are planning to start their own versions of IPL ! Media cant be blamed for thy sale what the masses want to see coz thr lies the TRP and an opportunity to sell diapers..engine oil and credit cards !!

    • most of the countries already have their own versions of t20 tournaments and now even bangladesh and srilanka have joined the bandwagon. i like big bash and english t20 more than ipl coz we don’t see owners poking their noses into everything there. having said that, i do enjoy ipl but it would have been more fun if all the state cricket boards managed the respective teams instead of SRKs and ambanis.

      thanx a lot for the comment :)

  12. Enthralling! You had me in splits.
    I swear on the holy ghosts of Heller and Wodehouse, I haven’t read such a humourous article in a very long time.

    Sheer brilliance.

    • hey thank u so much!! there are few comments which always motivate u and yours is one such comment. dunno how many times i ll read this one. huge huge compliment for me :)

  13. Hillarious post Deb.
    It will not be surprising if bcci scraps indian cricket team to start 2 ipl seasons a year.
    Sidhu is a living encyclopedia. “all married men are living martyrs – sabhi shaadi shuda insaan zinda shaheed hain” who else can write anything like this man. The way he presents himself is very handsome.

    Deb, collect your award here
    http://maks-journy-nevr-ends.blogspot.in/2012/04/word-of-appreciation-awesome-blogger.htmlt

    • thanx a lot Mak. bcci is one nonsense. but i do like IPL, the only thing is i don’t like any of those owners, they are quite irritating.

      and thank u so much for the award. honored!!

  14. Never liked this tamasha IPL. But liked your post .
    :-)))))))))))))

  15. totally agreed with you when it comes to ravi shastri being the”mike boy”..since the day , i have started watching cricket i don’t even remember even a stoke ravi shastri played or any wicket he took..all i know about him , he is the man who is there at the toss, in the commentary box and at man of the match..even the david shephard retired long back..people are questioning sachin.. don’t know when he plans to do the same..

  16. ssima bhato says:

    theek bool rahy deba mager sab paisy k leyee chalta hai yaaaaaaar

  17. too good deb! I thought I missed the opening of IPL… but thats fine. your blog comes with that extra naan-sense which I look forward for always! and i would cheer for MI only coz I stay in Mumbai… rest, who cares about where the ball goes in such a big stadium? all those analysts themselves have no idea about it! I never knew Ravi was the mike tester.. :P :P :P very nice!!! today morning, Piggy Chops was blah-blahing about her CHildhood Photographs when she was endorsing some Nikon CoolPix Series!!!

    • i support all the teams :D, actually i want to see individual players perform well.

      i find some of these movie stars quite irritating at times or rather most of the time. everything about them is fake.

      thanx a lot for the comment dude :)

  18. Hey Deb…….another laughing start to my day…..thanks for the laughs n smiles…..and happy Vishu (in case u r wondering….it is the Malayali New Year)…..:-)

  19. Although i have seen opening ceremony of IPL,but you made me re-visualize it through the looking glasses and this visualization was better than the original.
    :)

    • hehehe, thanks a lot Nicky but i m a huge fan of IPL :D but only the cricket part of it. as a matter of fact, i didn’t watch the entire opening ceremony. just heard that Katy perry, kareena kapoor and salman khan performed.

      thanx again for the wonderful comment.

  20. The post is a classic example of writing satire. Marvelously humorous, and insightful!

  21. I had started reading ur post from somewhere middle and then i realized that i had missed something interesting above. Fabulous writing…….I can’t took my eye off while going through it….”Tomorrow Rohan will come for his pocket money” hhahahahahahahhaha :-D

  22. Super cool!! I enjoyed it more than the IPL inauguration ceremony :)

    • thank u so much. i didn’t like the opening ceremony. got bored and changed the channel. but i knew who all r performing and based on that wrote this post :D. not sure whether Salman khan, priyanka chopra etc actually danced well or not :D

  23. Amazing.. i wonder why this post didn’t get many likes, it deserves much more.. a hilarious one :)

  24. pune warriors will be the winner of this ipl,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,i am damn sure ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,just support pune warriors alias dada

  25. I am not too fond of this IPL thing and have never bothered to waste my time seeing or following it. Last time I did see the kick-off ceremony but missed it this time round. Glad I did. Your detailed and very hilarious review assured me that I didn’t miss anything worthy.
    Your sarcasm is truly awesome! Wish Sidhu borrowed few of YOUR lines in future rather than ranting his own! :D

    • thank u so much. but i m thankful to Sidhu as well. he gives everyone something to laugh about :D. writing a satire on sidhu is the easiest thing to do :)

  26. Nice blog.. I loved the colour combination.. you should consider adding or showing some categories in your sidebar…

  27. Thanks for the post. IPL is definitely a tamasha, but feels sad that even after knowing that, people spend so much on it. Why dont we do something for people who deserve!

    • IPL is definitely a tamasha and the surplus money which is spent here could have been utilized for people who need them most. at times they come up with some charitable work which again is another tamasha. having said that, i do like such tournaments. the only thing which i loathe is the fact that those celebrities, advertisers and bcci misusing it for their own benefits.

      thanx for the visit again. just checked ur blog and there are quite a few interesting posts which i am planning to go through later today.

  28. Hey nice post. LOL . loved it.

  29. Hey Debajyoti, there is a surprise for you on my blog. Do visit my blog http://www.blogatcynthia.blogspot.in to unveil the surprise.

  30. Ha ha ha …. Missed dada in this :)
    Awsome

    • dada has become one cartoon network now. he shouldn’t have poked his nose into this ipl thing. people would have remembered him for all that he has done for indian cricket.

  31. Ha Ha… a funny read. Captures the IPL drama well. I just wish the IPL would change its commentary coterie every year. Sick n tired of the Sidhu’s and Sastris man!

    • hahaha. thanx. you can probably write a book on that. wanted to write some more but then i thought i shouldn’t exceed that word count limit. have a part 2 of this, which i will publish tomorrow or day after.

      no one likes shastri and sidhu :D and that’s because they don’t understand the game well, secondly they keep changing their statements.

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