As I brazenly promote a smartphone review, a post on a recently launched line of lipsticks, a suicide note filed under personal care, and a philosophical quotation on Maya which read – ‘Sorry, the page you are looking for doesn’t exist;’ I offer a silent ‘thank you’ to those who enjoyed and liked my posts (even in challenging situations when my blog was down for maintenance). Although, my posts attracting more blind promoters than readers does not clearly suggest how interesting they (which according to me are the best the world has ever seen) actually are, but I refuse to be a pessimist and blog with hysterical gusto amidst incessant bouts of treachery, discrimination, and blatant lies.
Some observations made during various phases of my illusory and confusing blogging journey will help you understand the situation better:
- Comment-comment game – Two or more players required for this game, and at least one player should have a freshly published post. After satisfying the specified prerequisites, player A kicks off the game and plants a comment on player B’s post (ideally a new post but if that post is capable of producing a severe headache then player A can pick an old one; it’s allowed in this game). Player B now follows the link which takes him or her to an undisclosed location where few scattered thoughts just blossomed into a full-grown post (the whole process is modelled on the same principle which governs effective usage of missed calls in our country). Upon completion of this task, player A identifies the next prey and surreptitiously moves on to that blog. There is a time limit of one or two days, and player A has to find as many potential readers as possible within this stipulated time and plant comments on their blogs.
- Eliminating the redundant – Your ardent followers are seen gliding through the vines of indiblogger with a voting machine in one hand and keyboard in another spreading laughter, joy, and merriment; completely renouncing your blog (when they don’t have a new post). Your eyes turn red in anger, you hair spikes up, you clench your fist and grit your teeth; but you achieve nothing other than looking like a cyclone victim.
- Law of relativity – Number of comments on a post is always inversely proportional to its length.
If the above statements resonate with you then, I am afraid, it paints a rather grim picture of your whole blogging venture. Every new post on your blog would trigger panic attacks and heartaches. Multiple instances of nervous breakdowns would eventually turn you into an irate and abusive blogger, and you would end up writing cockamamie posts (like the one which you are reading right now); which was not part of your agenda when you created your blog and lovingly looked at it with a vision to transform the world with your revolutionary thoughts (Look, what you are writing now. Cribbing and crying about people not voting for your posts.).
But don’t get bogged down by the injustice of this cruel world. God helps he who helps himself (girls can change the pronoun, or draw a mustache and wear shabby clothes). Wake up to the cause; it’s time for salvation. Hide your identity behind a new profile picture (you should anyway do away with the current one which looks more like a scanned image from an obituary page [like the one at the bottom of this page]). Now, take a deep breath and chant ‘OM’ three times. Once you have the sense of calmness and tranquillity, slowly start clicking on that promote button (However, try to get a gist of the post from the title. Be careful and dodge posts with contentious titles, otherwise you will have to read the entire post in order to avoid the risk of promoting a serial killer’s sadistic tirade. ). You will notice random clicks on your blog. The whole world will be awakened to the fact that a great blogger has been left unacknowledged hitherto. Seize the opportunity and quickly slip in your post on indivine. As soon as you press the submit button, you will notice a puff of smoke exploding in the air and a gusty wind blowing around you. Don’t be afraid, my friend; stay calm, be seated, and hum under your breath, “DRONA-AAAA…”
Piercing the smoke, sand, storm, and the wind; they will come (in numbers) to promote your post.
Continue to hum when the operation is underway (louder this time) – “DRONA-AAAA….” Tears of joy will wash away all your pain and suffering; Moksha is just a click away…ummm, Moksha as in liberation thingy and not Arjun Rampal’s movie (Incidentally, even that’s a click away if you are a masochist and enjoy watching bizarre movies on youtube).
However, this frenzied exercise can potentially aggravate your carpel tunnel syndrome which manifests every time you are entrusted with an avoidable work (not directly benefiting you). Fair enough, it’s not the end of the world for you. There is one more option which, surprisingly, is the least arduous of them all. So, don’t lose heart and follow the instructions carefully:
Create a blog, write few posts, go straight to a hilltop, and yell, “I write for the joy of writing and don’t care if anyone reads me or not!” and flowers will sprinkle from heaven (the key here is to ensure that there is no living being in the vicinity. Your objective is to convey the message to the right audience and not wake up someone/something from sleep and come back home with a foot impression on your posterior. So, basically you are addressing mountains, skies, trees, and clouds; which should ideally be unresponsive to your blabbering [and that’s exactly the kind of response your blog is going to get in future, so get the feel of it] unless you get carried away while delivering the soliloquy and kick a boulder barefoot). You need to cleanse your mind and detach yourself from all materialistic desires before embarking on this spiritual journey.
Established practitioners of the aforementioned ideology have embellished their ‘about me’ pages with some mandatory information, e.g., ‘born writer’ or ‘insanely creative’ so that we, the plebeians, can unravel the mystery behind their brilliance. But even though their blogs are accessible to every Tom, Dick, and Harry, they insist on only like minded people being allowed to read their posts. But who are these like minded people, and is there any awe-inspiring blog which they read? A close scrutiny would reveal that they don’t read anything. Hmmm, didn’t I say, it’s the most convenient option?
I understand, I have failed to establish anything in this post other than my poor writing skills, but that doesn’t mean I cannot continue this discussion (or whatever you want to call it) in my next post. So, more on voting and other issues that plaguing the country right now, e.g., lack of comments on our blogs. Till then, read what your heart says; read what your brain can comprehend. What? Were you expecting me to be nice?