Beyond treacherous glasses – part 4

The sun was slipping away in the horizon as the twilight sky draped itself in crimson shades; everything looked magical around me.  A gush of air blew across my face.  ‘Is this happiness, those fleeting moments we chase all our lives?’ I closed my eyes to seize the moment.

“You are standing in front of my shop for quite sometime, would you like to buy something?” my surreal trance was interrupted by a voice.

I turned back to zero in on the larynx processing it.  A middle-aged person selling homemade Viagra on the footpath.

“No, I…I am just…I mean…NO.” I shook my head vehemently.

“Let me explain the benefits…” he offered to impart the product knowledge.

Few passers-by looked at me curiously.  My conversation with that gentleman could easily have been misconstrued as a negotiation process.  I ambled across the road for an uninterrupted dose of happiness.

‘Twinkle, twinkle little star’ wafted in the air, ‘Ah, background music! Perfect.’ Atmosphere was equally pleasant on the other side as well with friendly, cheerful people spreading happiness all around me.  Warmth poured in from all corners as everyone greeted me with a smile on their way to…wherever they were heading.  ‘Who said there is no humanity left in this world?’ I smiled back courteously, ‘but why is this background score getting louder with time?’

“You can put it on silent mode if you are not answering the call.” a cheerful bloke initiated a discussion.

‘Goodness gracious me!’ I fumbled inside my pocket.

‘Twinkle, twinkle little star’ reached its crescendo.  With moist eyes and trembling hands,  I whipped out the device from my pocket (my ringtone went off after a prolonged hiatus; it was an emotional moment for me and, I am sure, for the service provider as well [I hope you understand]).  A brief juggle (witnessed by few blurred faces) followed by a resounding thud on the road, and an equally powerful one in my heart.

When Newton went gaga over that gravitation thing, didn’t he realize that there could be articles more expensive than an apple which need to be protected against this wicked gravitational pull?  Or instead of an apple, it could be a gas cylinder falling on someone’s head (not necessarily from a tree) leaving that person in a state not conducive to carry out a root cause analysis.  Wasn’t it his responsibility to address the core issue and write few lines stating, ‘5 ways to counter gravitation pull’ rather than creating a hoopla about something which has been there since time immemorial?  I, hereby, pronounce his work incomplete, inconclusive, and waste of paper and an apple.  And yeah, he owes me a mobile phone.

My ringtone was still floating in the air along with other scattered particles that once were integral parts of my mobile phone.

I amassed everything that appeared familiar (battery from the jaws of a cow) and stormed into the nearest mobile shop.  “Can anything be done about this?” I implored.  Commiserative expression on the faces of everyone present in the shop created an aura quite reminiscent of the scene from old Hindi movies where the doctor comes out of the operation theatre, stands like a war prisoner (surrounded by the family members of the subject inside), and mutters, “I am sorry.” Bismillah Khan plays a grave tune in the background and Nirupa Roy takes over.  In some cases, subject’s loved ones sneak out of the hospital and go straight to the temple where they perform a beautifully choreographed devotional number in front of the deity filled with palpable emotion, Jhankaar beats, and subtle pelvic thrusts.  Deity understands her mistake and subject comes back to life.  Who would have done that for my mobile phone?

“Give me a new one then,” I emptied the contents of my pocket on their table, “That’s all I have,” I declared while taking back the ‘Center Fresh Chewing Gum’ leaving only money for transaction.  They looked at the crumpled notes and then at each other before heaving a sigh of despondency…I awaited a verdict.  But all was not lost yet, a smile descended on the face of the shop owner heralding a glimmer of hope.  He beckoned to one of his associates and sent him to an adjacent room with a secret, inaudible instruction.  I eavesdropped but couldn’t discern the briefing.  My gaze followed him as I peeped inside the room and spotted one bucket, a broom, a mopping cloth, remnant of a television set, and a garbage bin; no trace of a mobile phone yet.  However, after a brief delay, he came out holding a colorless, amorphous, intimidating object bereft of any cover.

“No, no, you have grossly misunderstood me, what I am looking for is a mobile phone,” bewildered, anguished, I sought justice.

However, going by their argument, that object (which they already proved was a mobile phone.  As a matter of fact, they went out of the way and translated few Chinese inscriptions from a piece of paper which confirmed its identity) epitomized quality and performed exceptionally well under the surveillance of its previous owner, who incidentally was present at the location when the deal was taking place and validated all the claims with incessant nods.  But to my chagrin, he left the shop citing urgent work when that orphaned contraption was switched on and never returned back.  I have a sneaking suspicion that he was present in the nearby tea shop closely monitoring my activities with hawk eyes.

Anyway, a work of art from Mainland China invaded my otherwise nationalistic approach.  Built on a technology prevalent during World War II, it ably transmits radio waves from the source but it doesn’t have an inbuilt feature to receive any signal hindering a two-way communication.  Clearly, the objective behind this invention was to serve bigger purposes than trivial, rudimentary chitchats.  It could have been a powerful device to mobilize troops fighting in wars or alert local inhabitants about imminent natural calamities.  Unfortunately, it lost its true significance due to reckless commercialization.

I cannot be inconsiderate and call it a defunct device because most of the functions, which I need on a day-to-day basis, are of highest standards, e.g. torch, calculator, calendar, etc.  And with decibel level threatening to breech ultrasonic barrier, I do manage to convey my messages as well.

About Debajyoti Ghosh

You can follow +Debajyoti on Google Plus and on Twitter @devjyotighosh.

Comments

  1. Wonderfully written and expressed……enjoyed it!:)

  2. wish you had performed in front of maa kali “mobi badnaam hui” :D, and your phone might have been saved miraculously :P ….anyways another hilarious post , thoroughly enjyed it :)

  3. The gravity piece left me in splits ! Poor Newton ! You never mentioned whether you bought the Viagra :)

  4. torch mobile you said?

    are you talking about that nokia 2223 mobile that was once used in ancient India? are you using the same…?

  5. It was a mix of fun & sad to read ur post. Phones r beyond all prized possessions. I can relate this post to an incident where a friend accidently flushed her phone!

  6. Hahahhaa Awesome humorous post with fantastic message Deb!!!

    Loved the humor you kept tickling us in every line superb :)

  7. Oh my.. Funny.. As usual..:-)

    Your new picture is nice.. Shiny straight long hair.. I’m jealous of you now..

    But it kinda makes you look like a girl..:-)

  8. Ha. Back to the mobile phone story? Nice!

  9. Poor chap Newton must be turning in his grave, Your accusations might have prompted his body to seek the long departed soul and finish the sorely incomplete theory ;) Be prepared for the accolades Deb, you are going to be given the credit for any scientific inventions that takes place now onwards.

    witty , hilarious, too good!

  10. You have outdone yourself Debs :) Do I mention Newton or the Jhankar beats or that historic contraption you claim to be carrying around. *Cocking an ear* Do i hear you passing a msg to me with your high decibels? :)

  11. Tee hee hee :D

    Homemade viagra? Even if you insist you didn’t buy it (I am not insinuating anything), you could have at least got the recipe and shared it for the benefit of your regular readers.

    And please don’t pull down those masterpieces of human genius that have an integrated torch and calculator.. you don’t need anything more than that in India where electricity goes more often than it returns and where you need a calculator to deal with your sabjiwaala (If 1 kg costs 17 rupees, and you buy 375 gm, what should you be paying?)

    And this is the first and probably the only time that anyone will hear Newton’s theory being called a waste of an apple :D

    Loved it!

    • yes, i am going to do that. when i publish my work on gravitational theory on my blog, i am going to include the secret formula of that homemade Viagra as well in the same post.

      i need that torch and calculator everyday.

      thank you so much for reading!!

      i still cannot believe that he wasted an apple, damn!

  12. You have got a very good humour sense

  13. loved it

  14. I loved the sun set, the soulful breeze expressed poetically. I chuckled at the mention of the viagra man.
    Enjoyed the word weave!

    • hahaha, was bit jealous of other bloggers who write poetry so beautifully. the first paragraph is just an attempt to overcome my inferiority complex :D. thank you so much for the wonderful comment!! it’s an absolute pleasure to see your comments here!!

  15. Homemade Viagra, fumbling Newton, weird device from the land of Mandarin and a bumbling protagonist make for a spicy broth! That was rollicking humour in a floral syntax. It is also better than a few blogs put together.

  16. Bravo! Bravo! Excellent especially the 5 ways of countering gravitational pull!!! Enjoyed to no end. You should get some medal in the genre of the ‘best comedy blog of the season’ or ‘seeing the world with howlarious humour’ …something of that :)

    • hahaha, you have put a smile on my face!! even though i have just read few posts on your blog but i know i have a lot to learn from you in this genre!! thanks a lot for this wonderful comment :)

  17. Deb
    You wrote a nice piece and i had to read it on and on again. Just returned to civilized world after few months work looking for the yellow metal, shall read the other parts. Best wishes.

    • i am really really happy to see such delightful comments on my blog today. thank you so much!! hopefully, we will get to read about your experience soon. even though i cannot see your blog link here but i guess i have read your posts before (if not then i will find your blog, i am good at it :D).

  18. You are such a hilarious guy that even your surroundings act in the same way. Nice ringtone! ;)
    Did Newton ask you not to spare him??? ;) Enjoyed it! :)

  19. Hilarious! You have a fan! Funny right from Viagra to the ringtone to Newton. Gravity (and water) consumed my precious ‘apple’, and switching to a dumbphone after an iphone was humiliating. I was embarrassed to take calls in public!

    • hahaha, i don’t need fans, i need readers :D. gravity and water consumed many phones, some of my friends will vouch for it. even my phone is a social embarrassment :D. many thanks for the comment :)

  20. This post is hilarious man!! That thing with the viagra and Newton — I was loling all along….
    Great post Deb~!

    • thank you so much Akash!! what else a blogger needs when someone says they enjoyed reading the entire post (and not the first paragraphs :D). thanks for your continuous support :)

  21. you threw a challenge to Newton’s findings..Bravo !! keep up the good work..and home made viagra..Gosh!! your neurons seem to be too sharpened …Loved the humour .. :)

  22. you threw a challenge to Newton’s findings..Bravo !! keep up the good work..and home made viagra..Gosh!! Your neurons seem to be too sharpened …Loved the humor .. :)

  23. Sorry Boss ..duplicate message due to dumbo net connection..

  24. Debajyoti, please please consider giving Chetan Bhagat a run for his money. I am very serious. Everytime I come here, I think this possibly is the most hilarious post that I have read so far, and you manage to come up with something even better. This was a laugh out loud, loved every bit of it.

    And I am still laughing at the Newton piece, hahaha!

    • thank you so much Minnie!! i don’t know anything about publishing books and the stories i hear are not very encouraging. may be i will go for self publishing thing, someday.

      i don’t read books. even if i do, i don’t think i will be reading Chetan Bhagat :D

      hey, i just checked your blog and realized that i didn’t get e-mail notification for your last two posts.

  25. Hahaha Interesting ,fabulously humurous as always —-Pity Mr Newton

  26. lol !!! I loved the newton and ahem Viagra wala part …. so enjoying with ur new phone ?

  27. Once again you come with a gem! Couldn’t stop laughing reading this!

  28. What’s Viagra?? :O :O

    I am again going bonkers. You always come up with so much of fun and humour. How do you manage it ?? Lolz :D :D

  29. Homemade Viagra. Hmmm. I wonder why we never promoted it. It could have done wonders to our economy.
    That was one great post. Loved it! :)

  30. Oh am sure it has enormous vintage value! :)

    Fun read!!

  31. Your humour is spontaneous and simply superb! God! Who but you could call Newton’s work as incomplete etc etc ha ha….Enjoyed the post Deb! Too Good!

  32. Hi Debajyoti,

    I made myself a cup of coffee before sitting down to enjoy this piece.

    I loved it. I was chuckling to myself throughout. You have a real talent for writing. I love the way you combine drama with humour.

    Have you ever thought about writing eBooks? I think you could be very successful at it and would have a huge following. I’m already one of your fans! :-)

    • Thank you so much Hiten for this wonderful comment!! I am always in doubt about the quality of my posts but comments like yours reassure me every time.

      I have absolutely no clue about eBooks. May be I will find out and write one someday :)

      Many thanks again for reading!!

  33. clever piece

  34. I never thought that such a tragic event (I do LOVE my phone!!!) could ever be expressed so beautifully!!
    You left me awestruck….

    Although I don’t agree with your call on Newton’s work..(Ha Ha Ha)

    By the way this is the first article I read on this blog.

    • hahaha, thank you so much! yes, even i love my phone, no matter what people say..

      well, Newton did a decent job. however, it could have been better :D

      i am struggling to find your blog as you haven’t left your blog link.

      thanks again reading this post :)

  35. For some reason, I love computers, but not phones. But studies show that people genuinely love their smart phones especially. React the same as when they see someone – as in a person – they love. Amazing.
    Thanks for the story :)

    • of course, they do. even i love computers because i am really not comfortable using a phone for anything other than calling people. thank you so much for reading :)

  36. Well a fantastic post to come back to. Your posts are just as good as they were when I last read one of your articles. You have found your mojo.

  37. Hi Debajyoti,

    Ahhh, a detailed description of mobile love & loss. Agonizing, to say the least. So, does the reference to Newton imply that the phone was an iPhone???
    I know about these chinese phones, they’re ultra small and very sleek, in as big as the fingers in one’s hands.

    Ok, now tell us the story of this ringtone – “twinkle twinkle little star”, I’m sure quite a lot of us want to hear that one….:) :) :)

    Regards

    Jay
    My Blog

  38. This is why whenever I take a hiatus from blogging I search for your posts first thing after I’m back! I’m never disappointed! You’re always so good with words! :) :)
    I was laughing all the way…even imagining what the scene would be when you saw the new Chinese made phone ;) :D
    Enjoyed thoroughly :) :)

  39. I have nominated you for the liebster :) do check out this link
    http://odizzey.wordpress.com/2013/03/02/liebster-liebster/

  40. Found in Folsom says:

    Twinkle twinkle little star…..hehehe….I thought that was coming from a near by school or something…lol..Deb, trust me this is the best so far. Sad that I read it so late. You had me in splits. And now, let’s make a recommendation to Newton to change his theory….:P

  41. Hi Debjyoti
    Ur awesome blog has received a Creative Blogger Award. Check out the link for my post…
    http://shaivikafunda.blogspot.in/2013/03/my-first-blog-award.html
    Congrats!

  42. very well written!!it was subtle!!rnjoyed reading it
    -keep them coming

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